This Is Kind of Sad

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday... I try to talk to her about once a week or so. Now, the thing about my mom is that she and I both were "born again" back in the early 80's; we belonged to a very fundamentalist church. As I was coming to terms with my sexual orientation, I was also learning the Bible and all about sin and redemption and heaven and hell. Imagine the paradox of trying to accept my gayness while simultaneously discovering that the very same gayness would secure my hell-bound fate. It made for a very traumatic adolescence.

Over time, I learned that homosexuality is not a choice, but fundamentalist Christianity is. When I embraced my gayness as a part of my being, it meant I had to re-think my concept of God and religion. This has all taken many years, but I've reached a point where I'm comfortable believing in a higher power while knowing that if that higher power loves us, I am included-- gay or not.

Mom chose to embrace the Christianity, right-wing, Republican way of life. This means that, in her eyes, I am going to hell. She was telling me yesterday about last Sunday's sermon by their pastor, who referenced the story of the prodigal son. "You're like the prodigal son," she said, "Well, maybe not. You haven't made your change yet. Maybe someday." As if to say, "You haven't denounced your homosexuality, so you're not worthy."

She feels a sense of disappointment in me because I don't subscribe to her beliefs, rather than feeling joy for me that I am at peace with who I am. She is only proud of small parts of me, rather than the whole.

That's sad.