My High-Maintenance Sitcom Episode True Story.

My dear friend Debbie suggested I post this story, and it's worth reading for a good laugh.

I own a t-shirt with the design shown here. I bought it last year when I was playing the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. The make-up crew had quite a time getting my face all silvered in time for my entrance, and my costume was very cumbersome and limited my movement, so they kept saying I was high-maintenance. Hence the shirt.

So the other day Michael said I was high-maintenance. Now, I've been really good (for me), and I've been extremely proud of how easy-going I've been. I took offense to the term, and told him so. "That's a really negative thing to say. I hate that expression." He apologized and said, "Can I call you a nut case instead? I mean, after last week..."

"Last week" referred to my sudden attack of panic. So here's the story that earned me the title "high-maintenance" and/or "nut case....."

I had some pictures from my trip to NYC that I wanted to email Michael. He asked me not to use the email address I have, but to use his new one. "It's michaelreynaldo@yahoo.com." (NOTE: names have been changed to protect his privacy.) I thought it was strange, since he had told me his last name was Censario... that was in fact his old email address. I said, "What, is Reynaldo your other name?" He laughed and said yes, it was. I said, "No, seriously, where did you get the name Reynaldo?" "They gave it to me," was his reply. Now, I've had a Yahoo email account, and I know they don't just give you a last name. They might suggest a number if, for example, the name "michaelr@yahoo.com" was already taken. I didn't pursue the subject any further that evening.

But the next day, it was gnawing at me. I was at work, and being the good librarian that I am, I went online and went to www.zabasearch.com, which is a great place to look up info on people. I did a search of Michael Censario in Illinois... nothing. I did a search of Michael Reynaldo in Illinois, and sure enough, there was his address! Yahoo did not give him that name-- it was his real name! So the other name he gave me, Censario, was an alias. I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth. Were this a tv show, the commercial break would come right now.

After the commercial, back to me at work with my dear co-worker Penny. I told her what had happened. "Why would he give you his real name if he didn't want you to know he had an alias? It just doesn't add up." My mind kept going, and then I gasped again. "Maybe he's not really a counselor! Maybe he... you know, he always has Trader Joe's bags and Whole Food bags. Maybe he's a bag boy at Trader Joe's!" Penny's response was simple: "Doug, the crazy train is pulling out of the station and you're on it." She suggested I simply call Michael that evening and ask him to explain.

Which I did. I called him and said, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. What is your name?"

"Michael..."

"Michael what?"

"Michael Reynaldo."

"Then where did the Censario come from?"

"We had this discussion, honey, at your friend Jackie's house that night. My full name is Michael Joseph Reynaldo Censario. Censario is my grandmother's maiden name. It's a Latino custom. Don't you remember me explaining this?"

Pause. "No, but maybe I was in the kitchen when you were explaining it." Pause. "But then why did you say Yahoo gave you that name?"

"What?"

"I asked where you got the name Reynaldo, and you said they gave it to you."

"Umm, yeah, they gave it to me. 'They' meaning my family. Did you think I had like an alias or something?"

"Well... yes, I kinda did. It was just confusing, that's all."

"Look, if you want my social security number so you can do a whole background check on me..."

So there it was. I didn't dare tell him I had looked him up online. I didn't dare tell him I thought he was a bagboy at Trader Joe's. I just nodded, smiled, and listened as he told me how charmed he was by my paranoia. And the next time I saw him, I wore the "high-maintenance" t-shirt.

So, yes, I am a little high-maintenance. Okay, a lot. But I'm so worth it. He'll see.

And for Christmas, one thing I'm giving him is a gift card to Trader Joe's.

That's the kind of guy I am.